Live Chat - How Do I Deal with Child's Temper, Tantrums & Aggression?
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Is your child's tantrums/anger out of control and affecting how he interacts with the family? Does he talk back too often? Get all the answers you need around understanding your child's behaviour, dealing with temper tantrums and aggression in children. Join live chat with our child psychologist Swapna Nair to get tips on how to connect to the child better.
About the Expert:
Swapna's mission is to transform lives. She is an optimist, a dreamer and passionate about igniting a spark in others. A Fulbright scholar, Swapna holds a Masters degree in Counseling and Psychotherapy, and has over 25 years of experience in teaching, counseling and training. She loves travelling, reading and acting.
To chat live with her, REGISTER NOW and QUEUE UP your queries. The chat will be held from 3pm to 4pm on Oct 24th, stay tuned!
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mera beta 9years ka hai. wo bahut gussa karta hai.koi bat ko samjhna nhi chahta.agar kisi chij ki ji....
mera beta 9years ka hai. wo bahut gussa karta hai.koi bat ko samjhna nhi chahta.agar kisi chij ki jid karta hai wo chahiye to kitna bhi samjhao wo ghum fir kar usi bat pe aa jata hai
Swapna Nair
Your child seems to just more spirited. Spirited children require parents to be ‘more’ understanding and ‘more’ tactful.. It helps if you can STOP, PAUSE and BREATHE before you make your move.
Swapna Nair
Keep coaching them on what you expect of them and what you will do if he or she does not obey you.
‘I will not allow you to play if you…’ is a general sentence. Instead tell them,’ If you behave in this manner I will take away your favourite toy for 3 days/Or you will not watch TV for 2 days.’
Be specific about the rules.
Tell them
What you want them to do (you cannot hurt another/ you cannot scream)
What you will do if he does not … (remove toy/TV for 2/3 days)
When you will do (if he does not obey)
Swapna Nair
He is a pre teen so he will want to exert his identity
Swapna Nair
Listen to what he wants to convey. Then offer realistic options
Swapna Nair
Listen and observe so that you know what and when he gets triggered. We will have to keep guiding children till they learn to deal. Also help him label his emotions. Then guide him on how to find solutions
Swapna Nair
When it is not practical it is alright to say a firm No. Yes children would be upset. It is natural. But do not expect changes unless they are coached to express in the right manner.
Swapna Nair
Do not expect immediate results.
my son is 4.3 year old.. its not the tantrum i wpuld to talk abput but the word NO. how do i deal th....
my son is 4.3 year old.. its not the tantrum i wpuld to talk abput but the word NO. how do i deal this. he say no for few things i ask him like.. i want to enrol him to swimming classes but he say no he likes keyboard and music i tel him that we have these classes today he say no. we did go to a demo class were the teacher asked for him to wait for his turn till then he was happy later he did not want to be a part of it. how do i deal tge word NO.?
Swapna Nair
It is a temporary phase. Observe the triggers. He may just be saying an offhand no without meaning to also. He is testing your boundaries or the authority. Are you backing off? If so he will use it more? Are you getting impatient and aggressive? He will use the word more.
Swapna Nair
Reason out why he says No. Is there any particular reason for him to say NO? Is it eating into his play time? If so then you need to negotiate accordingly.
Swapna Nair
Enroll him for music if he likes it. And once enrolled tell him that for one year he will have to attend. He has no choice. Maybe he wants you to be around for sometime.
Swapna Nair
If there are no particular reasons then it must be that he is missing hsp lay time. Hence here you could see to it that he gets to play enough
Swapna Nair
Empathise with your child. do not show any helplessness. if you get upset he will play upon your emotions. Remain calm and say that you understand that he doesnt want to go but he has to finish the required number of classes for the month. After that you will once again decide whether he has to go or not. Take him to the class. After a whiletheteacher will know how to engage him
My daughter is just 2.4 years. She gets angered instantly. with lots of tantrums . sometimes her ang....
My daughter is just 2.4 years. She gets angered instantly. with lots of tantrums . sometimes her anger goes out of control. Please help me.
Swapna Nair
It is very common for children between the age 2-3 to throw tantrums. In fact this phase is called the terrible twos. They do not know how to express other than crying or anger
Swapna Nair
Try to see the world from your child’s perspective, to really feel what he or she is feeling. Practice listening. We do not need to fix their issue immediately.
Swapna Nair
First accept their feelings. How to accept? By just being there with them patiently. Children do as we do. If we remain calm they learn the right response. So how to remain calm? Deep breathe. Move away for a few minutes (go to the kitchen and drink some water for your mind to be diverted) Come back and observe your child. A toddler of 2-3 years may not want you to hug immediately. A younger one may just want your hug. Your observation will help you understand your child better.
Swapna Nair
Once your child calms down help him/her label the feelings. Substitute the basic emotions with varying words. Use a thesaurus! None of us are encyclopaedias! Anger can be substituted with irritated, displeased etc. ‘I notice that you are irritated.
Swapna Nair
You got irritated with …. For …. It is ok to be irritated. I understand. But hitting is not ok dear. You are hurting the other …. Then that person also will be upset. Would you want your.. to be hurt? So what can you do next time… Come to mamma ok.’ Talks on such lines will help your child understand that the emotions and feelings are perfectly acceptable. Not all beahviours/actions are acceptable.
Never stop your child from crying. Do not distract them from their feelings. Because the child will think that crying is wrong or shameful. He should understand that crying, getting angry, sad is as acceptable as laughing and smiling. The response to the feeling is what he should be taught to regulate.
how to deal 2yrs toddler with short anger? if something means he does not get he will start throwing....
how to deal 2yrs toddler with short anger? if something means he does not get he will start throwing toys or watevr he sees
Swapna Nair
We will have to remain patient and keep guiding till he understands and stops. This may take weeks. it is normal to express one's emotions in this manner.
Swapna Nair
Once your child calms down help him/her label the feelings. Substitute the basic emotions with varying words. Use a thesaurus! None of us are encyclopaedias! Anger can be substituted with irritated, displeased etc. ‘I notice that you are irritated..’
Swapna Nair
You got irritated with …. For …. It is ok to be irritated. I understand. But throwing toys is not ok dear. You are spoiling your own toys and yo uwill not be able to play any more …. Then you will be upset. Would you want that?
So what can you do next time… Come to mamma ok.’ Talks on such lines will help your child understand that the emotions and feelings are perfectly acceptable. Not all beahviours/actions are acceptable.
Never stop your child from crying. Do not distract them from their feelings. Because the child will think that crying is wrong or shameful. He should understand that crying, getting angry, sad is as acceptable as laughing and smiling. The response to the feeling is what he should be taught to regulate.
hi mera beta 6yrs ka hai wo kabhi kabhi bht gussa ho jata hai or us gusse me wo kisi ko bhi kuch bhi....
hi mera beta 6yrs ka hai wo kabhi kabhi bht gussa ho jata hai or us gusse me wo kisi ko bhi kuch bhi bol jata hai. khas kar padhaii ke samay totally concentration nhi dikhata.
Swapna Nair
Anger is when one is not understood. Observe and see what makes him angry. Are you listening to him?
Swapna Nair
If your child screams at you- do not do anything immediately. Wait for a while. A little later say,’ I know you are mad. Something has upset you. I will help. OR what has upset you?’
These children need your calm, physical presence. This will reassure them that you are available and that you care.
Always help your child understand what he /she was feeling. It is important that they give a word for heir emotions. Teach appropriate words and the actions to use. So gradually your child will earn to say, ‘I am irritated now’ and learn to walk off. So they learn to identify the emotion and the action to be taken.
Swapna Nair
3. Give them space to vent out their feelings
4. Give them opportunities to play and spend their energy
Swapna Nair
Keep coaching them on what you expect of them and what you will do if he or she does not obey you.
‘I will not allow you to play if you…’ is a general sentence. Instead tell them,’ If you behave in this manner you will not watch TV for 2 days.’
Be specific about the rules.
Swapna Nair
Tell them
What you want them to do (you cannot hurt another/ you cannot scream)
What you will do if he does not … (remove toy/TV for 2/3 days)
When you will do (if he does not obey)
My only 2 years old girl child gets irritated so easilsy and screams alot when she gets angry and gr....
My only 2 years old girl child gets irritated so easilsy and screams alot when she gets angry and grdually starts crying loudly. how shall i handle her?
Swapna Nair
It is very common at this age. Thats why we call it the Terrible twos
Swapna Nair
She is irritated easily because she is not able to convey herself
Swapna Nair
Once your child calms down help him/her label the feelings. Substitute the basic emotions with varying words. Use a thesaurus! None of us are encyclopaedias! Anger can be substituted with irritated, displeased etc. ‘I notice that you are irritated..
Swapna Nair
You got irritated with …. For …. It is ok to be irritated. I understand. But hitting is not ok dear. You are hurting the other …. Then that person also will be upset. Would you want your.. to be hurt? So what can you do next time… Come to mamma ok.’ Talks on such lines will help your child understand that the emotions and feelings are perfectly acceptable. Not all behaviors/actions are acceptable.
Swapna Nair
with loads of patience keep explaining till it becomes a habit
Swapna Nair
Talk to your child about how she could deal with it. Role play of necessary. Understand from her perspective
my daughter is 3 ys old..when she is anger,she throws whatever is in her hands.if she asks something....
my daughter is 3 ys old..when she is anger,she throws whatever is in her hands.if she asks something..if we could not give that.she cries louder...untill we give her that object..how. to control her unnecessary crying and anger
Swapna Nair
Children know when they can get away with tantrums
Swapna Nair
Next time she cries, allow her to cry.Move away from the situation. Do not show your anger or helplessness. be somewhere nearby to ensure she is safe.
Swapna Nair
Instead remain clam. Come back a few minutes later when the intensity reduces or when she calms. Then hug her and show affection. Tell her what behaviour you expect. That she can ask for things without crying and screaming. That she shall not throw. If she throws then her favourite toy will be removed for a day. Do it strictly if she throws. Do not give in. Once she realises that you will not budge she will gradually stop her tantrums
Swapna Nair
Hel her to understand and behave accordingly. Children have to be guided till the habit is ingrained. It requires consistent effort and patience
hi...my son is 1.5 yr old....he used to b very calm n ate almost everything before one month the ti....
hi...my son is 1.5 yr old....he used to b very calm n ate almost everything before one month the time he got sick.after that he cries for everything...he throws is body in such a way i hv fear he might get hurt..dosnt eat anything except uttapam, pomgreat and sometimes banana since 40 days.....he used to be too foody.i cant fourse him eating .i have tried verious food at various times..nothing worked.....anger is increasing.what to do....
Swapna Nair
Sinceh e has gonethrough sickness he may have developed dislike for certain foods. Also it is common at this stage to go through phases of eating aparticular food. If he is getting his daily quota of nutrients then dont worry. Make the uttapms with veggies, cooked dal sprinkled on it, egg bhurji , cheese etc so that he gets his varied nutrients. Pomegranate and banana are very good fruits. He will eat for few weeks and then will want to eat something else. Do not get over sensitive about food as longas he gets his nutrients
My 18 months old daughter has suddenly become very aggressive. If we don't listen to her or don't le....
My 18 months old daughter has suddenly become very aggressive. If we don't listen to her or don't let her do what she wants, she starts scratching or hitting everyone. Sometimes she also hits with her head on our noses. sometimes we try to ignore her or sometimes make her understand in har language, but this doesn't seem to be coming under control. please advise.
Swapna Nair
This phase is difficult for both parents and children. Your daughter is beginning to use words or sounds to express herself is it not. Often when she feels frustrated she may lash out. It is very important that you keep explaining whta behaviour you expect. When she comes to hit yo uwill have to remain calm, hold her hands, look at her and say a firm No. Tell that she cannot hurt anyone. You understand that she is angry . Help her to verbalise her emotion. Mamma knows you are angry, or are you irritated because... There is always a reason to get angry. Tell her that you cannot understand if she hits or screams.
Swapna Nair
Keep guiding calmly and with patience consistently till it becomes a habit.
My daughter is 4 yrs old and I see she talks back a lot now a days and get angry easily ... Any adv....
My daughter is 4 yrs old and I see she talks back a lot now a days and get angry easily ... Any advice to deal with it?
Swapna Nair
If your child back answers at you- do not do anything immediately. Wait for a while. A little later say,’ I know you are mad. Something has upset you. I will help. OR what has upset you?’
These children need your calm, physical presence. This will reassure them that you are available and that you care.
Swapna Nair
Always help your child understand what he /she was feeling. It is important that they give a word for heir emotions. Teach appropriate words and the actions to use. So gradually your child will earn to say, ‘I am irritated now’ and learn to walk off. So they learn to identify the emotion and the action to be taken.
Swapna Nair
Give them space to vent out their feelings
Give them opportunities to play and spend their energy
Swapna Nair
Keep coaching them on what you expect of them and what you will do if he or she does not obey you.
‘I will not allow you to play if you…’ is a general sentence. Instead tell them,’ If you behave in this manner I will take away your favourite toy for 3 days/Or you will not watch TV for 2 days.’
Be specific about the rules.
Tell them
What you want them to do (you cannot hurt another/ you cannot scream)
What you will do if she does not … (remove toy/TV for 2/3 days)
When you will do (if she does misbehaves)
This is in continuation to my earlier question regarding my 1.5 year old daughter. should we use an....
This is in continuation to my earlier question regarding my 1.5 year old daughter. should we use any means to explain her? We tell her a firm NO a lot of times & she tells sorry to us only to repeat it again. :-(
Swapna Nair
yes she will repeat because she really does not understand. Hence it is upto us to say No just when she begins her tantrum. She may try to do but if you maintain your firmness and on seeing your facila expression her intensity will reduce. When it reduces and you feel she has obeyed you give her a huge appreciative applause. Tell her,' good job, good job, you have listened to us'. Do not say good girl
Swapna Nair
She is always a good girl. So she will understand slowly that it is her effort and behaviour that has won the appreciation
Swapna Nair
Tremendous patience, calm tone is to be consistently used with toddlers
hi mam this ruby from Bangalore. my son is studying 6th.he is totally different. i have so many ex....
hi mam this ruby from Bangalore. my son is studying 6th.he is totally different. i have so many expectations on him.he is not scare of his future. very very lazy he is?he is not listening our words.mainly his father words.
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