Live Chat - How To Control Anger In Your Child

Swapna Nair Anger is a primary emotion. We cant stop anger. But we can learn how to respond to anger. PArents are the primary caregivers; hence you have to role model to your child on how to respond to anger. Children do as we do. You have to coach him. This coaching has to be done on a daily basis or whenver he gets angry till it becomes a habit. He is a child so understand from his perspective. Also observe when are the times he is getting angry- before mealtime, sleep time or when he wants tour attention? Once you understand the trigger you will be able to resolve. Age 1.5years till 3, toddlers are busy minding their own minds. They are curiousand exploring. They are also learning to exert their independence. They are also in the stage where language is being developed. Their vocabulary is limited. Your son would not know to express himself. So obviously he wouldget angery when he is unable to communicate his feelings or his needs to you. He will get irritated that yo uare not understanding him. Hence once his tantrum is over, go down to hiseye level, call him by his name and talk calmly. Help him understand that he is upset. You understand his feelings. But he could express in another way. Coach him how to verbalise himself. Teach him to expresss in one or to words. Mommy, hungry; mommy sleep;,mommy, food, mommy,pain. This way he knows he can verbalise instead of expressing just anger. 2018-09-18 15:03:09

Swapna Nair Hi Glory. We have a nutrition corner where you may post this question to be answered by an expert. Thank you 2018-09-18 15:04:49

Swapna Nair HI, you haven't mentioned your daughter's age 2018-09-18 15:10:04

Swapna Nair Spirited children require parents to be ‘more’ understanding and ‘more’ tactful.. It helps if you can STOP, PAUSE and BREATHE before you make your move. 2018-09-18 15:10:49

Swapna Nair Have you tried to understand why she is getting angry. What is it that she wants? Material things or your attention? 2018-09-18 15:11:25

Swapna Nair Always help your child understand what he /she was feeling. It is important that they give a word for heir emotions. Teach appropriate words and the actions to use. So gradually your child will earn to say, ‘I am irritated now’ and learn to walk off. So they learn to identify the emotion and the action to be taken. 2018-09-18 15:12:08

Swapna Nair Firstly understand the trigger. What is causing her tantrum. 2018-09-18 15:13:28

Swapna Nair First accept their feelings. How to accept? By just being there with them patiently. Children do as we do. If we remain calm they learn the right response. So how to remain calm? Deep breathe. Move away for a few minutes (go to the kitchen and drink some water for your mind to be diverted) 2018-09-18 15:13:32

Swapna Nair Anger or being upset is often a defense mechanism against deeper emotions like fear, anxiety etc. 2018-09-18 15:13:54

Swapna Nair Once your child calms down help her label the feelings. Substitute the basic emotions with varying words. Anger can be substituted with irritated, displeased etc. ‘I notice that you are irritated..’ 2018-09-18 15:14:36

Swapna Nair Talk to her when she calms down. 2018-09-18 15:14:51

Swapna Nair Guide her to look for solutions. This way she becomes more independent 2018-09-18 15:15:38

Swapna Nair Our tone conveys most part of the communication. What is the tone you would like your child to use with you and others? A harsh tone or a sarcastic tone will make kids rebel or disobey more. A softer tone, warmer tone conveys love. It is very effective too. When we speak harshly we hurt our children. 2018-09-18 15:16:10

Swapna Nair 9. Set consequences that are age and situation appropriate- Do share the consequences with your child so that they are better prepared. ‘You lose 15 minutes of play time tomorrow if you ..... 2018-09-18 15:16:44

Swapna Nair Always help your child understand what he /she was feeling. It is important that they give a word for heir emotions. Teach appropriate words and the actions to use. So gradually your child will earn to say, ‘I am irritated now’ and learn to walk off. So they learn to identify the emotion and the action to be taken. 2018-09-18 15:17:25

Swapna Nair Once your child calms down help him/her label the feelings. Substitute the basic emotions with varying words. Anger can be substituted with irritated, displeased etc. ‘I notice that you are irritated..’ 2018-09-18 15:18:06

Swapna Nair First accept their feelings. How to accept? By just being there with them patiently. Children do as we do. If we remain calm they learn the right response. So how to remain calm? Deep breathe. Move away for a few minutes (go to the kitchen and drink some water for your mind to be diverted) 2018-09-18 15:18:51

Swapna Nair Try to understand why she is behaving so 2018-09-18 15:19:01

Swapna Nair Talk to her. Once she calms down, listen to her. Then guide her on expressing in different ways. 2018-09-18 15:19:28

Swapna Nair She is throwing a tantrum to seek your attention 2018-09-18 15:19:38

Swapna Nair How is her self esteem? Is she getting bullied at home or school? IS she being teased? How is her confidence levels 2018-09-18 15:20:08

Swapna Nair There is always a reason for such behaviour. Seek to resolve by understanding the trigger. 2018-09-18 15:20:52

Swapna Nair If you remain calm nd not nag, she will learn the right behaviour from you. You have to consistently guide her on the expected behaviour. Appreciate her efforts when she does it right. 2018-09-18 15:21:42

Swapna Nair Childre doas we do than as we say. So it is natural that she copies what she sees around. Till the age of 7 it is normal to copy or imitate. hence it is important we guide them by being good role models 2018-09-18 15:28:50

Swapna Nair Have you observed how many times you are saying a No to her ? Hence that is the word she is hearing most either at home or school. 2018-09-18 15:29:31

Swapna Nair Create an incetive based routine. Here you award stars for tasks done. Tell your child, let us clear away your toys. we have 10 minutes. i am goingto set the timer. let me see who does the most and the fastest. Then make it like a game. Show her how you do. She ill imitate you. Once she completes give her a hig and say,' wow super job'. make a chart with columns. Reward a star. when she gets about 7 or 10 stars give her a treat. 2018-09-18 15:29:43

Swapna Nair It is not negative thinking. She just does not know. hence you have to show her or guide her. 2018-09-18 15:30:23

Swapna Nair she will become more independent as she grows up 2018-09-18 15:30:46

Swapna Nair It is always a shock for parents when their child uses an inappropriate word. It is also not true that children always pick up such words from just their parents. Children pick up words from anywhere and from anyone. There is information overload from social media too. Our children will get exposed to such language. So how do we tackle this situation? 1. Infancy to toddlerhood- Use bath time and diaper changing time as teachable moments. Talk about all parts of the body in a neutral tone. While changing the diaper be careful of your facial expression and gestures. One young mom said she is always disgusted to clean poop. Here this young lady had a mother who had passed on the feeling of disgust. The child then grows up to view bodily functions like excretion or urination, poop and urine as something disgusting and bad. So when the child grows up and hears swear words associated with the body, he/she will pick it up fast 2. Early childhood- When children begin to go to school they are at an interesting stage of language development. Their minds are curious and ready to explore. Their little brains are quick to pick up inappropriate words. Now this is normal because it happens to adults too. There is a standard joke that you may not know a particular language but you would know the swear words. Imagine this scenario – your little one says an inappropriate word… Your eyes rolls and you shout or scream or you close your mouth in horror. This imprints onto your child’s brain – ah I have mom’s attention. So the words get stuck to his/her little brain. And the next time he/she gets stuck in a situation the word pops out easily. Hence DO NOT react. STAY CALM. The first time ignore and walk away. Do not look at your child. When it occurs the second time then it is time to talk to your child 2018-09-18 15:32:27

Swapna Nair Have a family rule regarding swear words. Such a discussion will also help you introspect and responsible. So when your child cusses again, share your views. Maintain eye contact and talk in a gentle, neutral tone. Explain that the word uses is inappropriate. It is not used in your family. It would hurt another if used. You could even use a story to instil this. Watch and observe your child. If it happens again, then try to understand when/where is he using it. Is he using it while getting angry or upset? Look at the situation. Then sit down with your child and coach him on how to tackle his emotions- ‘I heard you use this word. I think you meant to say that you were angry. You can just scream that you are angry. It is ok to be angry but it is not ok to use this word. Here it is expression of emotions. So have you emotion coached your child? Are you providing a safe space for your child to express, to cry, to laugh, to get angry? Appreciate him/her when he/she does not use such words or when they come and tell you,’ you know mamma I did not use the words even though my friends are using it.’ Hug your child and appreciate the action. 2018-09-18 15:33:06

Swapna Nair Hi Ankita, Kindly post this question in the Nutrition corner so that the nutrition expert can answer this 2018-09-18 15:34:40

Swapna Nair Teach him to respond to anger than just controlling. Anger is a primary emotion. It is good to express anger in the expected manner. This can be done with practise. 2018-09-18 15:35:46

Swapna Nair Always help your child understand what he /she was feeling. It is important that they give a word for heir emotions. Teach appropriate words and the actions to use. So gradually your child will earn to say, ‘I am irritated now’ and learn to walk off. So they learn to identify the emotion and the action to be taken. 2018-09-18 15:36:17

Swapna Nair Once your child calms down help him/her label the feelings. Substitute the basic emotions with varying words. Use a thesaurus! None of us are encyclopaedias! Anger can be substituted with irritated, displeased etc. ‘I notice that you are irritated..’ 2018-09-18 15:36:37

Swapna Nair 4. Help kid to understand- ‘You got irritated with …. For …. It is ok to be irritated. I understand. But hitting is not ok dear. You are hurting the other …. Then that person also will be upset. Would you want your.. to be hurt? So what can you do next time… Come to mamma ok.’ Talks on such lines will help your child understand that the emotions and feelings are perfectly acceptable. Not all behaviors/actions are acceptable. 2018-09-18 15:36:57

Swapna Nair Hello Vanitha, He may have picked up the behaviour from the play school. It is normal for children to pick up what they see around them. Also we do not know if the play school has some similar learning activity. Since he will not be able to distinguis, he may be thinking that he could do the same with his toys. Hence at home, do not tell or nag him. Instead help him learn the right behaviour. 2018-09-18 15:07:27

Swapna Nair Gently and calmly help him understand how the toys and games have to be handled with care. Show him. Then make him practise with you. If he raises his hands to throw, hold his hands firmly and guide him to place them gently. This has to be repeated till he learns the right behaviour 2018-09-18 15:08:39

Swapna Nair appreciate his effort when he does it right. 2018-09-18 15:09:02

Swapna Nair Do try to understand why she is throwing a tantrum then> IS it only for attention? Prepare her mentally and physically before you enter into such situations. See that she has had her food and sleep at the right time. When she throws a tantrum, ignore. It may be embarrassing for you but it is ok. Every parent goes through it. She knows she will get what she wants because you feel embarrassed. Remove her from the place and take her out of the room. It is ok if she continues to cry or scream. Allow her to do so. Once she is calm, talk to her 2018-09-18 15:40:59

Swapna Nair Talk in a calm manner. Explain that you are not upset with ehr . you are upset with her behaviour. Then go on to asking her why she felt angry or irritable 2018-09-18 15:41:50

Swapna Nair Once she tells you the reason explain how she can express in another way. Maybe give her a secret code so that she can use it to get your attention and fulfill her needs. 2018-09-18 15:42:41

Swapna Nair Children have to be guided by us. If we remain calm they learn that behaviour from us 2018-09-18 15:43:10

Swapna Nair Force and aggression will not work 2018-09-18 15:44:10

Swapna Nair Nagging comes naturally to parents. Repetition is alright with toddlers when you want them to internalise instructions. From the age of 5 children are trying to understand themselves and their surroundings better. They also have gone through a whole day at school listening to teachers berating instructions. Hence at home they become ‘zen’ like. It is precisely then that we are also issuing orders and threats! Imagine from their perspective. They have to consider school work, friends, siblings, the tv, playing and of course the parents. Yes we would usually be down in their list. Please do not take it personally. After all we are the most familiar people in their lives. They become selectively deaf to us! We begin to nag. The more we nag the more we become a blur. ‘Samvi I want you to finish eating so that we reach school on time’ works better instead of ‘eat fast, why are you so slow’. ‘Sam you have 15 minutes- I want you to put away your toys and come for dinner’ instead of why do you keep your room so untidy, hurry up, you are so slow, so lazy etc. etc. Using instructions with I rather than You- I want you to works better than You do this, do that. Tone- Our tone conveys most part of the communication. What is the tone you would like your child to use with you and others? A harsh tone or a sarcastic tone will make kids rebel or disobey more. A softer tone, warmer tone conveys love. It is very effective too. When we speak harshly we hurt our children. When children yell or shout and we retaliate in the same manner we are reinforcing aggressive behaviour. Pause. Walk out of the room. Come back when they are calmer. Your tone will be automatically softer. I have seen parents shouting above their children’s noise. One kid remarked to her dad, ‘I am just like you papa when I become angry’ ! Listen to your kids- When your child is sharing some incident or telling you something how do you listen? If you continue to read your phone messages or watch tv you are communicating that they aren’t important enough. Pausing, paying attention to them will teach them a valuable lesson. Use words like ‘mmm’ and gestures like head nod to show that you are actively listening. For older kids it would be wise to para phrase what they have told you- ‘what I understand is that you…’ Choices- Offer options where they do not have to say a clear No. To small children you can say, ‘bath time now or in 15 minutes’? Brainstorm for solutions together with older children- ‘ how do you think you can understand the concepts better while the teacher is teaching?’ ( if the child is talkative in class) Appreciation- Appreciate when they listen. ‘Samvi you have tidied your shelf, wow, good job.’ Be creative – One parent I know uses single words as reminders. After dinner she says ‘teeth’. It is like a game. Her son runs up to brush his teeth. One parent has put up a checklist of tasks to be done. Another parent has put up an incentive chart. A mother uses the cell phone timer to remind. Set consequences that are age and situation appropriate- Do share the consequences with your child so that they are better prepared. ‘You lose 15 minutes of play time tomorrow if you delay now.’ 2018-09-18 15:46:43

Swapna Nair Nagging comes naturally to parents. Repetition is alright with toddlers when you want them to internalise instructions. From the age of 5 children are trying to understand themselves and their surroundings better. They also have gone through a whole day at school listening to teachers berating instructions. Hence at home they become ‘zen’ like. It is precisely then that we are also issuing orders and threats! Imagine from their perspective. They have to consider school work, friends, siblings, the tv, playing and of course the parents. Yes we would usually be down in their list. Please do not take it personally. After all we are the most familiar people in their lives. They become selectively deaf to us! We begin to nag. The more we nag the more we become a blur. ‘Samvi I want you to finish eating so that we reach school on time’ works better instead of ‘eat fast, why are you so slow’. ‘Sam you have 15 minutes- I want you to put away your toys and come for dinner’ instead of why do you keep your room so untidy, hurry up, you are so slow, so lazy etc. etc. Using instructions with I rather than You- I want you to works better than You do this, do that. 4. Tone- Our tone conveys most part of the communication. What is the tone you would like your child to use with you and others? A harsh tone or a sarcastic tone will make kids rebel or disobey more. A softer tone, warmer tone conveys love. It is very effective too. When we speak harshly we hurt our children. When children yell or shout and we retaliate in the same manner we are reinforcing aggressive behaviour. Pause. Walk out of the room. Come back when they are calmer. Your tone will be automatically softer. I have seen parents shouting above their children’s noise. One kid remarked to her dad, ‘I am just like you papa when I become angry’ ! 5. Listen to your kids- When your child is sharing some incident or telling you something how do you listen? If you continue to read your phone messages or watch tv you are communicating that they aren’t important enough. Pausing, paying attention to them will teach them a valuable lesson. Use words like ‘mmm’ and gestures like head nod to show that you are actively listening. For older kids it would be wise to para phrase what they have told you- ‘what I understand is that you…’ 6. Choices- Offer options where they do not have to say a clear No. To small children you can say, ‘bath time now or in 15 minutes’? Brainstorm for solutions together with older children- ‘ how do you think you can understand the concepts better while the teacher is teaching?’ ( if the child is talkative in class) 7. Appreciation- Appreciate when they listen. ‘Samvi you have tidied your shelf, wow, good job.’ 8. Be creative – One parent I know uses single words as reminders. After dinner she says ‘teeth’. It is like a game. Her son runs up to brush his teeth. One parent has put up a checklist of tasks to be done. Another parent has put up an incentive chart. A mother uses the cell phone timer to remind. 9. Set consequences that are age and situation appropriate- Do share the consequences with your child so that they are better prepared. ‘You lose 15 minutes of play time tomorrow if you delay now.’ 2018-09-18 15:47:22

Swapna Nair He is adamant about? Is he trying to seek your attention, is he asking for material things, is he wanting to express his choices? 2018-09-18 15:23:27

Swapna Nair Try to see the world from your child’s perspective, to really feel what he or she is feeling. Practice listening. We do not need to fix their issue immediately. First accept their feelings. How to accept? By just being there with them patiently. Children do as we do. If we remain calm they learn the right response. So how to remain calm? Deep breathe. Move away for a few minutes (go to the kitchen and drink some water for your mind to be diverted) 2018-09-18 15:23:30

Swapna Nair Anger or being upset is often a defense mechanism against deeper emotions like fear, anxiety etc. He is angry because he is anxious and doesnt know how to express. He is not able to express so he cries or gets angry. All children want to be safe and loved. They do not understand 2018-09-18 15:24:49

Swapna Nair So when he calms down have a chat with him. Guide hi how he can express in other ways. Teach him the expected behaviour. Ignore his blackmail. He doesnt know what he is talking. He is repeating what he hears on tv or elsewhere. Also he has understoodthat you pay attention when he says that 2018-09-18 15:26:05

Swapna Nair Help him or guide him on how to seek solutions 2018-09-18 15:26:35

Swapna Nair Noticing kids’ emotions- we can notice only if we are truly engaged with our child. This engagement will happen if we practise patience. 2018-09-18 15:52:21

Swapna Nair Understand why he feels so and try to resolve. Guide him on how to express in the right manner 2018-09-18 15:52:54

Swapna Nair It is ok to ignore tantrums. 2018-09-18 15:53:02

Swapna Nair Try to see the world from your child’s perspective, to really feel what he or she is feeling. Practice listening. We do not need to fix their issue immediately. First accept their feelings. How to accept? By just being there with them patiently. Children do as we do. If we remain calm they learn the right response. So how to remain calm? Deep breathe. Move away for a few minutes (go to the kitchen and drink some water for your mind to be diverted) 2018-09-18 15:53:33

Swapna Nair Anger or being upset is often a defense mechanism against deeper emotions like fear, anxiety 2018-09-18 15:53:55

Swapna Nair Once your child calms down help him/her label the feelings. Substitute the basic emotions with varying words. Use a thesaurus! None of us are encyclopaedias! Anger can be substituted with irritated, displeased etc. ‘I notice that you are irritated.. 2018-09-18 15:54:07

Swapna Nair You got irritated with …. For …. It is ok to be irritated. I understand. But hitting is not ok dear. You are hurting the other …. Then that person also will be upset. Would you want your.. to be hurt? So what can you do next time… Come to mamma ok.’ Talks on such lines will help your child understand that the emotions and feelings are perfectly acceptable. Not all beahviours/actions are acceptable. 6. Never stop your child from crying. Do not distract them from their feelings. Because the child will think that crying is wrong or shameful. He should understand that crying, getting angry, sad is as acceptable as laughing and smiling. The response to the feeling is what he should be taught to regulatefeel, but setting limits on how he expresses those feelings. Encourage younger children to role-play the right and wrong scenarios, and older children to brainstorm ideas (without evaluating) while you write them down. 2018-09-18 15:54:46

Swapna Nair Next time, even if it is a public place, IGNORE him 2018-09-18 15:48:01

Swapna Nair Do not worry about what others will think. He has understood that you get embarrassed so he is using it against you. 2018-09-18 15:48:32

Swapna Nair Just walk away a few yards and observe him. Allow him to cry for sometime. Give him 15 minutes. Then go to him and say you are taking him back home. 2018-09-18 15:49:11

Swapna Nair Once he his calm you talk to him 2018-09-18 15:49:20

Swapna Nair Guide him on how he can express himslef 2018-09-18 15:49:29

Swapna Nair He now knows only this way to express. So teach him to express in the right manner. Also before you step out, mentally prepare him about the outing and what you intend to buy. Explain that there will be no gifts etc. And that if he cries also it is alright but he wont get. If he doesnt cry appreciate his effort. Applaud him 2018-09-18 15:51:05

Swapna Nair Yes it could be attention seeking 2018-09-18 15:55:39

Swapna Nair Make it a point to give your older one more attention 2018-09-18 15:55:51

Swapna Nair Every day make it a ritual to have a 'special time' 2018-09-18 15:56:04

Swapna Nair During this time hang out with your older one, chat, laugh or play. 2018-09-18 15:56:25

Swapna Nair Try to understand the trigger so that you can resolve. 2018-09-18 15:56:45

Swapna Nair Then guide your child on different ways of expression of one's feeling or needs 2018-09-18 15:57:04

Swapna Nair Dear Asha , At her age she may appear defiant because she is trying to exert her choice or independence. 2018-09-18 16:50:44

Swapna Nair Please try to understand the trigger so it may help you to resolve better. 2018-09-18 16:50:52

Swapna Nair She has to be guided on how to express herself. Anger is a primary emotion 2018-09-18 16:50:56

Swapna Nair She has to be guided on how to verbalise her emotions 2018-09-18 16:51:01

Swapna Nair When she throws a tantrum ignore it 2018-09-18 16:51:07

Swapna Nair Be near and observe. Calm yourself 2018-09-18 16:51:13

Swapna Nair Move away. When she calms down coach her on how to verbalise. First listen to her. Tell her that you understand her and are not angry with her. Then help her to see. reason.Practise with her on how she can verbalise or express without throwing a tantrum. 2018-09-18 16:51:49