Parenting

I lost myself being a mother!

Leena Vaidya Joshi
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Created by Leena Vaidya - Joshi
Updated on Nov 07, 2015

I lost myself being a mother

While I continue to search jobs and get back to the profession where I have put in 10 years,I can't stop living the moment and so my thoughts too!
I was a person with a career and a fair amount of ambition to succeed and was doing fairly well as well but that was before I became a mother 4 years back! It's taken really long for me to get out of that shell and even think about it and I am still working on it!

I wonder why in the last 3 years I have not taken any interest to stay in touch with my work through reading, learning etc. Even when I had the opportunity to make a choice to focus on something else - I was staring out a window or even worse reading what other people are doing on Facebook or watching TV! Anything other than being a mother -I couldn't do it!

Was I enjoying cooking and cleaning?? No!
It's not the guilt of being away from my son or isn't an issue of over control... I just didn't have to be the one always caring for our child and home... especially when I am not an overprotective mother!
Is it about finding some "Me time"?? No, not at all.... I get me time when my son is away at school... I get my opportunities for regular beauty parlour visits or shopping trips... I have a very supportive husband and can even get a night out with friends if I wanted! Then what is it??

It's partly because I have spent too much time thinking about my child and home... When should he sleep, eat. What should he eat? How should he behave... what things he should do etc...I chose my child and home over everything else, every time. Was it wrong? No, not at all!

And now after nearly 4 years of making that choice, day in and day out, there is nothing left of me. I am no longer that career oriented women I was few years back. There is nothing there but just motherhood and complacency that I am consumed in.I knew motherhood would change me, but I am too changed that I am unrecognizable to myself!

This sounds like I am in major suffering, but that's not the case! I am not saying how terrible it has been for me! Loving and being there for my son has been extremely satisfying. I have had the opportunity to spend more time with lot more people and even travel. But I am simply saying this is what it is like to feel lost! It's describing what I have become while I was being a mother!

The problem is to do largely with the society we live in, where we have only heard stories of how rewarding motherhood is and quitting work and being there for your child is such a right decision or not sending your child to a school early or not sending to a childcare is such a right decision.
So quitting work after a child is born comes naturally to most Indian women!

I wish I had someone to tell me the reality loud and clear! I wish earlier generations shared their stories more openly, encouraged living for oneself as well. 
I wish I had someone who would have pushed me to continue work in some way or the other at that stage! 
Given me the confidence to do something more than just being a mother! I wish husband’s take lead in this then just helping by supporting wives’ decisions.

Motherhood needs a deliberate, hard-won restraint. It is easy to fall into complacency and hide under the shroud of taking the decision for my child. The child and the husband also deserve a fuller and happier version of his/her, mother/wife for a better family life!

And so now the most difficult part! A task only I can do as a mother is to reclaim the focus and most importantly forge the will to get it back! To find that path where I can be myself, a place where I can contribute and win back myself!

To get back my urge to give myself and my needs importance when it's easily possible! Stop being complacent! You don't have to be a martyr to be a mom or a wife or any other role you play! 

A good way is to explore your creative side and start focusing on your health. Something you would never be able to otherwise. That’s the key to finding yourself once again!

About Leena- Hails from Pune & now based in KL. My shipee husbands work has got us here!
I have worked in the field of Human Resources for approx 8 years only to stop after my son Vivaan turned 1. (Now he is 4yrs old)  With the nature of my husbands profession it just made sense that I be around my son for longer hence stopped working.Have been doing some home baking business & currently trying to work on a travel blog. I love writing on topics close to my heart.

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| May 09, 2018

thanx for sharing ur story... many moms says LIFE chal ri h. bachhon k sth aisa hi hota h... n many more things... thanx fr telling us all dat we need to love own ourselve

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| May 09, 2018

Its d story of every mom who choses Child over work. bt ds post s very much encouraging and is a push giving post to d mommies to take care of themselves even along with child n family. only tday i ws thinkng dat with d child i dont even get d tym to comb my hair properly.... wen before her i used to get ready n go for my job.

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| Oct 26, 2016

What a great piece of advice. I won't be complacent after reading your article. My son is just 3months old and I am very busy with him but it's really important to take out time for the things I love! Thank you :-)

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| Nov 17, 2015

Thanks Komal. Happy you liked it & happy to know many relate to it as well.

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| Nov 13, 2015

Could totally relate to it.... n very well written

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| Nov 11, 2015

Arunima absoluetly! Its about not losing touch with ourself whether its working in office or ones hobby! Even if someone enjoys looking after their home be it so! But dont lose yourself is the key!

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| Nov 11, 2015

Very well written Leena. Im sure this is something all moms go through at some point. But even with a career, it is difficult indeed to draw a line between your work and your family. I am a work from home mom and have no fixed work hours. I do it all in between caring for my kids. Some days are good, while others, not so great. I have realised over time that the most important thing in this whole cycle is not to lose touch with ourselves. If we meet our own expectations (realistic ones of course), we will be happy individuals, which equals to a happy mom :) Thanks for sharing your story. Im sure many moms will relate.

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| Nov 10, 2015

Rashmi other people's comments should be the least of any mothers problem. What I figured out in my different phase of life is to be able to enjoy our own company & not feel alone at any point & seriously thats empowering. The key is to be more than a mother not for anyone or money but for oneself! I am happy you could relate to what I wrote & thought it to be worth reading!

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| Nov 10, 2015

Totally relate to..... its frustrating that after givin your 100% at home ppl say what have u done just sitting at home. Its best to keep urself diverted and upgrade urself in your field.

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| Nov 10, 2015

Thanks Sanjana & Shailaja. I am happy you liked it & could relate to it & I am sure there are many such mothers.

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| Nov 09, 2015

I relate to you very well Leena... I'm happy that I read your article, it's very helpful as I share the same emotional rush as yours during this phase. All I can say is thank you!

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| Nov 09, 2015

Even i feel d same after kids. Love the way you have expressed your view. All the best.

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| Nov 09, 2015

Thanks Meetali!

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| Nov 09, 2015

Well written Leena,,,,work is empowering,,you will be back to business in no time,,,good luck to finding the right path

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