Behaviour Change
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Updated on May 14, 2013
Hi, i have come to stay at my elder-sister's house. she lives in Canada. i have come here with my daughter(4-1/2 yrs) & son (1-1/2yrs) for two months. my daughter's name is Tamanna. My sister has 2 daughters. The elder is 14 yrs & younger is 6 yrs. younger ones name is Aditi. coz Tamanna & Aditi are same age they play together. Tamanna has always been a obi diner, kind loving & sharing kid. for her wisdom we sometimes call her an old soul. But her behaviour has changed drastically. When she is with Aditi she is very competitive. there is a lot of comparison between the two. It all started from Aditi. the way her elder sister treated her, Aditi treated Tamanna the same way or even worse at times. She scolded her in everything, dominated her in all the plays, instructed her to do things her way. its been a month we have been here. Now Tamanna ahead absorbed all the negative traits of Aditi and has started reacting. She irritates Aditi, to a point that Aditi scolds her. Tamanna copies Aditi in almost everything she does. I have been trying to make her understand that copying anyone is bad. But nothing is going in her head. moreover my sister is working. She comes in the evening and sees the girls cat fight for an hour or so. it's obvious from her expressions and talks that she feels Tamanna is wrong. i feel hurt. one coz Aditi screams at Tamanna all the time, she bullies her at times, Tamanna is unable to express & lastly my poor child is being misunderstood. i also worry that if Tamanna caries these negative traits back to India, she would have a tough time. She has a few close friends with whom she spends a lot of quality time. If she behaves in a way that she has learnt here her relations would be spoiled and she would have a tough time socialising, an important thing she has always been good at over the years. Please advice.
| May 14, 2013
Dear Radhika, your concern is valid. A friend who recently moved to the US saw a change in her 6 year old who was otherwise a grounded child. The influence of the US way of life began to show. My friend had a few conversations with her daughter to try and convey that certain behaviours will not be accepted.. However your situation is different since the children are all related and stay together for many hours during the day. It is indeed tough to protect or discipline your child in isolation when there are other children who have been raised differently. I can suggest one thing. Bring out your bossy mother instincts. You are the boss. So by taking charge you can mellow down the situation. By saying this I do not mean scold and scream and make strict rules. I mean, hit the problem at its root. connect with your little niece - have conversations and calm her down by showing love and compassion.
| May 14, 2013
Why this will work ? I have an example - I recently moved to this new place where there is this really naughty 2 year old who lives next door. He likes to ring the bell and come in and stay and play. the house would turn into a disaster zone really. I love kids but with this one I started to get irritated. But one day I had this thought and when he woudl come over I began to pick him up , have calming conversations and just softly begain to tell him the things he could not do. At one point , his mum had to rush to hospital and I fed him and she was surprised he ate teh whole thing as he generally wont finish. Just connect with the kid and dont let yourself forget - this is a temporary situation. When mum wants to protect her child, she gets the strength to do anything..
| May 14, 2013
It's natural for parents to feel for their children. n mostly their intuition is right that their child is being exploited. D very fact tht u r not at ur home n have gone for vacations for two months at ur sisters house out of which one months is still left. The best advice to make this a pleasant stay n at d same time helping ur child wud be to intervene when such argument is going on. N without taking any particular name us shd try n explain tht watever is going on is not gud n not acceptable. Since Aditi knows there are two more ppl to support her n no one to take Tamana's side she wud continue doing so. So u shd make her realize tht u aware of d wrong treatment being meted out to ur daughter n wud not take it lightly. Just intervene 2-3 times to let them know u r with Tamana. N I m sure ur presence wud make a difference. Ur behavior shd be such it doesn't hurt anyone n even d conversation going on ends at a lighter note. Secondly ur concern tht Tamana would take back home this behavior is ok but unlikely as children r smart enough to deal with others d way they themselves have been dealt with. her one month stay would not change her plus she is carrying d baggage of values u have taught her. So u need not worry on this aspect. just let her come out win win in this situation in a manner she doesn't feel Mumma will always b thr to help me out rather let her behave d way she has adopted. yet b thr to show to d other girl u r aware of wats going on.
| May 14, 2013
Dear Radhika , all i would like to add is that ... as you are talking about children here .. you must be aware that children of this age group would love to please you if they are fond of you. I would suggest that you have to build rapport with ADITI to influence her in a positive way. For a few days try to engage yourself with both of them.. play with them if needed. Make a game where in you will give points/stars/smileys/tattoo for behaviours showing help, care, politeness, responsibility... and be dynamic to play this game in such a way that both the children feel that you are on their side ..cue them when necessary. Radhika you most likely will be able to handle the situation well by not adding to the heat by being a boring supervisor to the kiddies. Play with them... say that you are a PANDA ... n Who so ever will take care of you by doing good behaviour will take a Happy PANDA HUG and whoever will bug the PANDA will have to be tied to the SAD, ANGRY, HOWLING PANDA. U know children are inherently happy people ... make sure they maintain their status that ways by making them feel special about themselves ALWAYS... make them aware that they are so loving and caring ...it's just sometimes that they forget to be nice and so you are there as MOM/AUNT/KUNGfu PANDA to remind them of their goodness. DO a game with them in which you all take turns to do something special for the other person.... encourage BONDING amongst both of them. This vacation make sure that you enjoy and the kiddies get so fond of each other that they howl when the time comes for them to part. I know i have written a long story.. but I am very touchy feely about KIDS and love THEM a LOT. All the best for all the patience and creativity that you would be exercising with them. :)
| May 14, 2013
Thanks Gaurima, I'm indeed touched with your advice. My problem is I have a 1-1/2 yr old hyper active baby boy too. All my day and night energy is sucked to the core by running after him. I still try to play with them. The moment I divert from there vicinity the girls start fighting and comparing each and everything. My daughter started this comparing thing only after a few days that she had spent with Aditi.
| May 15, 2013
Dear ...I agree with you that having a toddler in the house is like gymming 24 X 7 ;) But the beauty is they push you to become best in management skills - to give them the needed time we have to employ shortcuts and manage the whole stuff so well that the whole system runs smoothly :) Anyways I would like to suggest that ... 1)you can feel less exhausted by find ways to engage all of them together like reading a story, make toy puppets and weave a amusing story ; Sing together, dance, paperfold, act, juggle, eat (the stuff they like) together. Develop the bond between them by FACILITATING their mutual play - You have to facilitate. 2) Moreover engaging all of them lovingly will give positive vibes to ur sis and jiju also. And may be u should try not to judge the whole thing and attitudes involved just be v v kids friendly :) hope that helps
