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Parenting

Behavioural cocern

Suraj
1 to 3 years

Created by
Updated on Oct 14, 2014

nDear Parents,   I have a concern/worry for my son who will be celebrating his 5th birthday early next year.   Whenever he is interacting with a group of his friends playing games or talking,he gets bullied by his friends and they make fun of him. I know its very common,but he never responds back with any comments(mostly because of fright). If someone says,do this,for example,do not sit on the swing,do not do this, do not do that,he simply follows that. By seeing his behaviour other kids are taking advantage of it and he is feeling very much inferior. But at home,when me or my wife say something he retaliates and talks back.   Do you parents have any idea on this kind of behaviour? I am afraid if this continues,he might face problems when he grows old.   Thanks

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suraj

| Oct 15, 2014

Thankyou Shikha.

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Shikha Batra

| Oct 15, 2014

Hi Suraj! It is okay for a child to behave so. We as parents can take out that fear from child's mind by creating a mock session in which child is asked how he felt when another child asked him to leave the swing for him. He cud express his feelings in front of you. please don't react to it and say how u wud have reacted had u been in his place. So u cud show him the appropriate behavior which is not aggressive. u cud show him how by being assertive and putting his stand in front of the other child he cud get his way out and handle the same situation tactfully. U cud share with him it is OK to put forward u r views and it is not necessary that everyone has the same point of view. So fear of disagreements should not stop him from sharing his feelings. U cud make him stand in front of mirror and allow him to say few good things about himself, his likes, his dislikes, his famity, his friends etc. U cud buy him a mike on which he can practice his lines. these all steps would give a boost to his confidence levels. Now Coming to u r next question is it ok he shouts at parents. if we think from child's point of view this is his way of retaliation and he takes out his anger on parents with whim he is comfortable with rather than on those kids whom he fear facing. So please be by his side. motivate him when he does something good and boost his confidence. Sometimes Children who are bullied in childhood becomes bullies themselves in later life. so the earlier u r able to help him come out of his shell the better it is. hope this helps.

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Shikha Batra

| Oct 15, 2014

Hi Suraj! It is okay for a child to behave so. We as parents can take out that fear from child's mind by creating a mock session in which child is asked how he felt when another child asked him to leave the swing for him. He cud express his feelings in front of you. please don't react to it and say how u wud have reacted had u been in his place. So u cud show him the appropriate behavior which is not aggressive. u cud show him how by being assertive and putting his stand in front of the other child he cud get his way out and handle the same situation tactfully. U cud share with him it is OK to put forward u r views and it is not necessary that everyone has the same point of view. So fear of disagreements should not stop him from sharing his feelings. U cud make him stand in front of mirror and allow him to say few good things about himself, his likes, his dislikes, his famity, his friends etc. U cud buy him a mike on which he can practice his lines. these all steps would give a boost to his confidence levels. Now Coming to u r next question is it ok he shouts at parents. if we think from child's point of view this is his way of retaliation and he takes out his anger on parents with whim he is comfortable with rather than on those kids whom he fear facing. So please be by his side. motivate him when he does something good and boost his confidence. Sometimes Children who are bullied in childhood becomes bullies themselves in later life. so the earlier u r able to help him come out of his shell the better it is. hope this helps.

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suraj

| Oct 15, 2014

Thankyou Shipra. The problem is when my son is accompanied by myself or my wife,he is a bit bold,but when he is alone,things are a bit different. However,i will check on your suggestions.

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Shilpa

| Oct 14, 2014

Hi Suraj, while you can't change the basic behaviour of a child and teach him aggression, you can teach him to be assertive. And the best way is to do it by example. Take your child along with you, and if someone asks him to get off the swing, you can tell the child simply, gently and smilingly, that once your son's turn is over, the swing will be available. Tell him the way to do things without putting him into situations such as fights. Follow it in your behaviour also, for eg: if someone breaks a queue, check your person for it and later reiterate to your child how you corrected the situation. hoep this helps.

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suraj

| Oct 14, 2014

Thanks a bunch for the response Carol. I will certainly follow the recommendations that you have cited.

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Carol

| Oct 14, 2014

Hi Suraj, When such incident happens, 1. have an open conversation with your son about the incident and how he feels- does it bother him a lot, is he afraid that they wouldn't include him in the group and so he wants to abide by their rules, does he feel scared, what he really wished to do at that moment instead of listening to them and so on. discuss the situation. Give him an assurance that he doesn't have to handle the situation on his own. 2. Rehearse few response to say to the bully, the next time your son gets bullied. for example "you can play in the swing after i finish my turn" , "stop being mean to me", "i dont want to do it", you could do it your self". 3. You could even plan a playdate with just one kid from the group and make your son spend some time with that kid. Usually kids bully when they are in groups. So next time the same kid will hesitate to bully him. 4. Instead of joining a bigger group of children, he could play with a smaller group. 5. Step in only if there is a risk of getting hurt physically or if they use name calling or abusive language. In such situation you can directly talk to the concerned child or even the parents and discuss the problem. But sometimes it could backfire too. the bullying child might start picking on your son more often. One way that worked best for me is that in my presence i made my son talk to the bullying child about how he felt and he didnt want to be treated like that again. Then we (parents) told the children to shake hands with each other and got an assurance from both that they would treat each other with respect. 5. to avoid bullies in future, teach your son to look in the eye every time he talks to others. my son's teacher taught my son "to see the color of the eye while he talks to others". Looking in the eye while speaking to others would make him appear confident and kids wont pick on him.

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