‘Adolescence’ Isn’t Just About How We Are Raising Boys But Whether We’re Listening To Our Children

Reading various narratives & takeaways about the thought-provoking show ‘Adolescence’ on Netflix, I’ve seen this growing perspective on raising boys. While I do believe that it’s an immensely valuable takeaway, at the same time, I also feel that we shouldn’t just limit our focus to this as there are some equally important takeaways that we must not miss, as adults and most importantly, as parents.

To begin with, it is important to think and understand things from a child’s point of view, but this is only possible if we acknowledge the fact that their understanding of the World might not be the same as ours. 

In Episode 1, for instance, When the solicitor asks Jamie about his favourite subject, the latter states that it is history. Nothing unusual, isn’t it? Might even make you think that Jamie is fascinated with events, people, and societies from the past. 

Later in Episode 2, when the cops visit Jamie’s school for investigation, we see the history class in disarray. It’s a chaotic, all-boys class, with no teacher and a video playing. The history teacher is seen unbothered and saying the students are impossible. So, history being Jamie’s favourite subject had nothing to do with the subject itself, as one may think, but rather it was the lack of structure and disrupted environment that drew him in. 

This series has sparked numerous discussions and dialogues across social media. I wonder though, as a parent, if you could have one important dialogue, who would it be with? I believe it would be with your child, and with the aim of understanding their perspective. Turn your listening mode on, with the only taboo being “judgment”. You may even need to read between the lines, without interrupting or forming opinions. It’s to help you understand their world, their worldview, their challenges, their dreams, self-image. 

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In Episode 3, 7 months after the incident, Jamie is visited by Briony, the court-appointed psychologist, who wants to assess whether he understands the gravity of his actions. She starts on a positive note, by offering him hot chocolate and half of her sandwich. She keeps asking him questions about what he thinks of women and how they make him feel. She then dives deeper asking more personal questions about his relationship with his dad, and his dad’s relationship with his grandfather. 

The psychologist seems very calm and composed throughout. She asks Jamie about his understanding of masculinity. As the session progresses, Jamie experiences several breakdowns and anger outbursts. Towards the end, the psychologist informs him that this would be their last session. Jamie is startled, but, instead of reflecting on the session, he is only concerned about whether she likes him or not. This reflects his skewed perspective of women and how his brain has been molded to seek validation from how women see him. The way Jamies feels about himself and others around him is possibly owing to misogynistic and hyper-sexual content that he can easily access online. 

Now, this is something that parents need to focus on, Jamie’s perspective was not molded in a day or two. It has been shaped over the years, by what he is seeing online and what he is taking from it. Having open conversations with your child from a very young age might help you identify any early traces of unhealthy influences and help you address them more effectively. The powerful scene also highlights the importance of creating a secure and non-judgmental environment for your child to open up. 

I recently discovered this beautiful song by a 13-year-old girl, Constance Grace, titled ‘That’s How It Is’, which offers a very unique perspective on the world through a child’s lens. You can listen to the whole song here.

I have also penned a few thoughts for you that will help you understand your child’s world. Give them a read, pause, and find some time, when you would like to listen to your child. Create that window that opens into their World.

These are some questions for parents to answer and reflect upon.

1. Jamie was not good at something, Jamie was good at something. What would have helped Jamie? And so what would you do as a parent?

2. Is it important to understand your child’s lingo, the way the younger generation communicates? How can one go about it ?

3. Is the take on social media for children under 16 years of age by countries like Australia, Ireland justified? Do you think India should follow? What does your child think about it?

4. How do you create an “always open” channel with your child? How do you get them to talk to you about anything that may potentially harm them?

5. Why would your child want to talk to you about things like incel culture, bullying someone, porn?

6. How does your child process disagreement ? with their peers, with others? How do they show their dissent ?

7. How does your child handle rejection?

8. How does your child self regulate their emotions? How can you help your child in self regulating their emotions?

9. How does your child use the internet? How do you help your child in navigating social media?

10. Which influencers does your child follow? How do you help your child in understanding the world of Influencers?

11. Who/ What does your child idolize? Why?

12. How do you help a child understand the importance of giving mindspace to multiple perspectives?

13. How to reason themselves, to say “no”, to not take the word on the internet as a gospel truth, How to help them understand that the word on social media, or by an influencer is not the last word?

14. How does your child go about making decisions? Do they reason? What do they evaluate before making their decision? How can you help your child here?

15. What’s your child’s self image? What would they like to be seen as? Why is it important to your child?

16. How do you help a child understand what it takes to be a good human? How do you help your child be a good human > being a man/woman ?

17. How do you understand your child’s aspirations? How do you help them navigate through them?

18. How does your child look at the opposite gender? What do they expect of them and what do they expect themselves to be around them? How do you help your child in navigating through this phase calmly?

19. How does your child face challenges? What is their response? How can you help your child?

20. Does your child reflect on their actions? How can you introduce them to the practice of reflection?

21. What does your child think of popularity? What are their views about doing the right thing especially when it is not the popular opinion? Do they & How do they share their disagreement with others?

22. How does your child process appreciation / compliments? What do you compliment your child for? Is it for results or efforts? How do you think it builds your child’s self image?

23. Who does your child hang out with? In the real World and the virtual world? Do you talk to your child’s friends? Do you talk to their parents?

24. Do you talk to fellow parents often? Do you discuss your children with each other, your challenges, your observations, your worries?  

25. What are your child’s dreams? What are their plans? How can you help them navigate through?