How to talk to your child about sex- Useful Inputs from Parents
Created by Shikha Batra Updated on May 02, 2015
Some of the questions asked by a curious child?
“Is the baby coming out right now?”
“Did she eat the baby, how it got stuck in her tummy?”
“How will it come out through mouth or poop?”
Some of the comments by an older child who thought they know it all.
(Situation: a bunch of children exchanging information on how babies are made)
“You know what, when papa kisses mom, babies are formed.”
“No, you are wrong. God gifts babies. When my Mama and Papa wanted to have me, they went to the temple, kneeled down and asked God to give them a baby. God immediately blessed them with me. “
“You all know nothing. My mom told me, she got me from TARGET store in Australia. If I don't behave well she will return me to them as they have this offer. See I behave so nicely and so should you all.”
“I will have a baby girl too. I will ask the doctor to unzip my tummy and let the baby walk out. She will look like my Barbie doll. I will dress her up all in pink from head to toe.”
These were some of the snippets of narratives from our little EXPERTS, who had their own understandingof a baby’s birth. I would like to confess that I incidentally overheard their conversation, when I had gone to their room, to see my daughter.
To give a little background of the situation. We are a well-knit group of 10 friends. A friend of mine who has a 4-year-old daughter invited us all to her baby shower for her second child. She invited the children for the party too as it was scheduled for a Saturday afternoon.
When I shared the children’sunderstanding of birth of a baby with their mothers, they were all dumbfounded with one question, “When and how should I tell my child about sex?”
We all had our experiences to share where we were bombarded with questions, or given surprises (shock to be precise) sometimes at the most inopportune times.A friend shared that once her daughter dressed up with all make up, jewelry on supposedly like a bride and demanded that I make arrangements so that she could get married with her father. Another friend confessed how sheand her hubby had to face embarrassing questions earlier too. Once her 5-year-old son wanted to know “If daddy has a penis too and why it becomes so hard at times?”
We all agreed to this, it becomes quite awkward to answer a child’s questions relating to private body parts and sex. The discussion reached a point where we all decided to chalk out strategies to deal with such questions and reach an agreement on when should kids know about sex, how, and how as parents can we teach our children about sex. The agreements were reached on following points:
1. Sex is not a taboo: A child needs to know the answers to questions pertaining to sex without being made to realize that talking about it is embarrassing or a taboo. If we adults would keep on blushing and avoiding discussions on these issues, chances are they would make their own understanding of sex based on what they see on television or collect from age mates or other sources which could be inaccurate and misleading in the longer run.
2. Telling in their language: Children need not be told actual mechanics of sex, as the purpose is not to frighten them. In age appropriate, simple language, which is not overloading or overwhelming. We could answer their questions using correct names, rather than popular euphemisms, for private body parts. Keep sex education age appropriate.
3. A child can ask a question anytime: If your child creates an embarrassing situation for you by asking questions at the inopportune time, try not to snap, or put her off. Handle the situation carefully by saying, “You have asked a very good question. I would answer the same while we are on our way back home.” Try and answer the question at the time you mentioned so that it does not give the sense to child that she has done something bad by asking you this question.
4. It’s an ongoing conversation, not a one-time thing: The discussion need not be restricted to one particular day. It should be more of an unfolding process wherein we can use everyday opportunities say when you went to the zoo and your child watches a goat delivering a baby or when you were traveling in a train and your child sees a mother nursing her baby and demands to know what is happening. Keep the language and references age appropriate.
5. Private body parts: Teach the child about private body parts and about good touch and bad touch. Also they need to know exploring private parts is not OK to do in public and should be done in private.
By the end of this whole episode me and my friends had so many important lessons to take back home along with giggles. There I faced a question again from my daughter on our way back, “Mama I see you giggling, is that because I look so pretty?” I wish I could give the factual answer to her, but I decided to reply “Yes, indeed my sweetheart!”
Answering childrens’ questions on sex in an age-appropriate way and straightforward manner than avoiding the discussion would foster healthy feelings about sex. The message should be conveyed in such a manner that it does not connote sex as a “shameful act”. There are age-appropriate books dealing with this subject that can be helpful.
To put it together, here are a few examples that will help parents teach their child about sex
1) Body parts: A vagina or a penis need not be called a wee wee or a pee pee but use the exact words (when a child observes it on another child)or refer it to as diaper area for a pre-schooler. Call breasts as breasts not as two stomach moms have. (Generally appropriate and asked by a child between 2-3 years).
2) What is sex: Try explaining that it a physical form of love that grown-ups like mumma and papa share with each other. (Generally asked by and appropriate for children between the ages of 7-9 years)
3) Where does a baby come from: From either the space in between mum’s legs (an older child who understand body parts can be told vagina) or when a doctor operates. Till such time you were inside mummas uterus (Generally asked by and appropriate for children between the ages of 2-5 years)
4) Why do you/older sibling have hair down there: Nature has designed it in a way to protect our soft body parts. Like eyebrows to protect eyes, underarm hair to protect the soft underarm area, similarly hair here protects your private part.
5) About menstruation/periods: Every month, mumma’s body makes an egg and the body prepares to receive that egg by generating enough blood and tissue for it. But if the egg doesn’t turn into a baby, all the blood and tissue is let out from the body and that causes menstruation or periods. Specify that it is a very natural process and nothing to get afraid or disgusted by and that a boy child needs to respect it too. (Generally asked by and appropriate for children between the ages of 5-7 years)
6) What is rape or sexual abuse: Rape or sexual abuse is when someone touches a private part of your body without your permission or in a way which makes you not like it. This also includes kissing on the mouth. You can ask the person to stop it and scream out for help. (Generally asked by and appropriate for children between the ages of 2-7 years)
I am sure as parents you all must have had parallel experiences and would have encountered similar questions from your little wonders. Please share how you have dealt with such situations. Your inputs are valuable for fellow parents.
This content has been checked & validated by Doctors and Experts of the parentune Expert panel. Our panel consists of Neonatologist, Gynecologist, Peadiatrician, Nutritionist, Child Counselor, Education & Learning Expert, Physiotherapist, Learning disability Expert and Developmental Pead.
| May 02, 2015
Very nicely written Shikha. I have had questions from my son at various stages such as how does the hen lay egg, why do I resemble dad when I came from your tummy, what is puberty etc. I ensure that I don't show any hesitation or feel uncomfortable in answering his question so he doesn't think he asked something wrong and he doesn't feel uncomfortable in coming to me next time with his questions. Sometimes I direct the question to him by asking what he thinks it is or how he thinks it happens. In the meantime, I gather my thoughts. But most of the time I am prepared with the facts and an age appropriate answer. For resemblance question, I told him that the babies are formed when the eggs from mom and a seed from dad are joined together. So babies get the characteristics of both the parents. You are right. We need to provide the age appropriate answer. Don't have to go overboard in explaining. All they need is a convincing and truthful answer. And i completely agree on educating even the boys about menstruation at the same age as the girls which is around 10 years. My son is 9 years old. But I used the opportunity when our doggie was on heat. Having a pet is an added advantage in talking about the birds and the bees. :-)
| May 05, 2015
Answering their kids' questions about sex is a responsibility that many parents dread. Otherwise confident moms and dads often feel tongue-tied and awkward when it comes to talking about puberty and where babies come from. But the subject shouldn't be avoided. Parents can help foster healthy feelings about sex if they answer kids' questions in an age-appropriate way.
| May 05, 2015
Nicely constructed Shikha... I am sure each parent will go through this stage and today or tomorrow all of us will have to respond to our children's queries maturely. We can't just shy away and buy time to go away with these questions. We have to become their friends and ensure that they get to know about this from us rather than from any one else.
| May 05, 2015
agree with Gaurav Taneja , gone are the times when we could brush such things aside. Children seek more knowledge and clarity in today's times, and it's important as parents to help them with information in an age-appropriate manner.
| May 06, 2015
Nice blog... thanks to help us in such way. My son is now 7 years and many time asking some questions about a child birth. So we decided to tell them clearly with appropriate words according to his age and it works. I'm really surprised when one day he told me that papa today I discussed with my classmates about a child birth because from last few days they were talking wrong things about child birth and today I correct that. So its clear that if we don't help then in those stages when they have lots of questions in their minds, we will lost them because their minds will set in a myth world created by their same age other children.
| May 14, 2015
Sonia dua so true, imagine something which is avoided each time it comes up, it shall either become that mysterious treasure hunt which our children will try and solve or a taboo which they would become uncomfortable talking about..... either ways, not good for us as parents.
| May 19, 2015
Very nice article. Really helpful. As u say children ask such questions repeatedly at different situations, but we should keep in mind not to confuse them with different answers at each time. Don't lie but tell them in a language they understand agewise. And do not loose patience as they will keep on questioning until they r satisfied with the answer.
| Jul 15, 2015
@Shikha This is really Great. Beautiful tips to handle those situations. With this I would like to ask you one more... see it helps when the kid probes about sex but what should we do for the kids who doesn't ask anything but feels something about sex.. Could you pls help me on this ???
| Jul 15, 2015
@Shikha This is really Great. Beautiful tips to handle those situations. With this I would like to ask you one more... see it helps when the kid probes about sex but what should we do for the kids who doesn't ask anything but feels something about sex.. Could you pls help me on this ???
| Aug 13, 2015
Hi. I wanted to know when and what age the child learns abt sex. Is there any age where we can talk to them abt love and sex. Now days they r really fast in hvg sex. As a. Mother I m really worried my daughter will come home and say mom I had sex today. So at what age they should hv the knowledge or to understand that sex is something really private.
| Aug 13, 2015
Hi Sonal! U have asked very relevant questions. I will try and answer these one by one in points: 1. Children start exploring their body right from infancy. They even touch their private parts in curiosity. Age of 3 years is the right time to give them right words for their private body parts. Between 3 to 6 years we should discuss about good touch and bad touch. 2. By the age of 8 to 10 years children talk about attraction to opposite sex. That's the right time to answer their queries. Teaching about sex should be a continuing process and as and when the question arise,parents without the feeling of guilt and shame should discuss the topic. You can make use of books to explain and substantiate yr points. 3. I believe with proper understanding and knowledge of sex and making her aware of the rules of yr house,u should be able to tackle this situation. 4. Having faith in yr child is important. You need to work on that bond between mother and child and make it strong enough to ensure she doesn't breach your trust. By teenage a child should be considered more of a friend so give him/her the comfort level, that he/she can come and discuss anything with u, including his/her crush , feelings for opposite sex etc.. When sometimes parent overreact and start the blame game, children start shying away and sharing their heart out. TO avoid this one should understand attraction to opposite sex is a normal biological process. The earlier u would accept it without reacting, the better will be understanding between u two. 5. So I am sure before the age