behaviour
When Gentle Parenting Doesn’t Come Naturally — And It’s Okay
Published: 26/01/26
Updated: 26/01/26
Gentle parenting is often presented as calm, quiet, and beautifully controlled. Scroll through social media and you’ll see parents responding to big emotions with softer voices and perfectly chosen words. It can make gentle parenting look peaceful and instinctive.
But for many parents, it isn’t. For many of us, gentle parenting feels awkward, difficult, and sometimes completely out of reach. And that does not mean something is wrong with you. It simply means you are human.
What Gentle Parenting Really Means
Gentle parenting, despite how it’s often shown, is not about never raising your voice or always staying calm. It does not mean letting children do whatever they want or ignoring boundaries. At its heart, gentle parenting is about respect and teaching rather than punishing. It focuses on guiding children through connection instead of fear.
The Impact of Childhood on Parenting
Most of us were not raised this way. Many parents today grew up in homes where discipline was strict. Obedience mattered more than understanding. Emotions were dismissed, and mistakes were met with consequences rather than conversations. These experiences shape our automatic reactions. So when our child pushes a boundary or has a meltdown, our first response often comes from what we learned long ago, not from what we believe now.
This inner conflict can be exhausting. You may know what gentle parenting looks like in theory, but in the moment, especially when you are tired or stressed, it feels impossible to practise. Daily life doesn’t make it easier. Lack of sleep, work pressure, household responsibilities, and emotional load all affect how much patience we have. When your nervous system is already overwhelmed, staying calm through a tantrum or repeated defiance can feel like too much to ask.
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Struggling Doesn’t Mean Failing
One of the biggest myths around gentle parenting is that good parents get it right all the time. They don’t. Struggling does not mean you are failing. It means you are learning. Children do not need parents who are perfect. They need parents who are willing to repair. When you lose your patience and later come back to apologise, explain, and reconnect, you are teaching accountability, emotional honesty, and healthy relationships.
These lessons stay with children far longer than a single calm response ever could.
Gentle Parenting Is a Skill, Not a Personality
It’s also important to remember that gentle parenting is not a personality trait. Some people appear naturally calm, while others are more reactive. That does not mean gentle parenting is only for a certain kind of person. It is a skill. Like any skill, it takes awareness, practice, mistakes, and time. You don’t master it overnight. Growth happens slowly, in small moments.
Instead of trying to change everything at once, start where you are. Pause before reacting when you can. Name your child’s feelings, even if you can’t fix the situation immediately. Hold boundaries kindly, without long explanations or harshness. And when things don’t go as planned, reflect instead of criticising yourself.
Even choosing to respond differently once a day is progress.
Children Learn From How You Handle Yourself
Children are not only learning from how you handle them; they are learning from how you handle yourself. When they see you calm down after being upset, admit mistakes, and try again, they learn resilience rather than fear. Gentle parenting is not about never losing control. It’s about showing children what to do after emotions run high.
Parenting is one of the few roles where people expect instant expertise. But growth doesn’t work that way. You are allowed to be a work in progress. You are allowed to unlearn, relearn, and try again tomorrow.
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